Legend Brown Ale

Name:  Legend Brown Ale
Brewery:  Legend Brewing Company
Style:  Brown Ale
Location:  Richmond, VA
Alcohol:  6%

Quotes:  "Unicorns aren't legends.  They're mythical beasts."  "Yes, but they are legendary mythical beasts."  "No way.  They're deformed horses.  It's like a rhino-donkey hybrid."  "A rhino-donkey hybrid that shits skittles."  "Touche."

Aroma:  4/10.  Pretty weak aroma.  Is there a beer in here?
Appearance:  3/5.  Pretty dark for a brown ale.
Taste:  5/10.  Sort of sweet. Faint tastes of caramel malt, oats, and probably a splash of Diet Coke.
Palate:  3/5, Smooth and easy, the way you like it.  If you're a pussy.
Overall:  15/30

In closing:  Despite its darkness and alcohol content, this brown ale feels pretty light.  Hell, it has a unicorn on the bottle so buy a few for your little sister and see what happens.  She'll love it!  Then she'll barf on her Barbies.  Your little sister still plays with dolls?  How old are your parents?  Was she adopted?  Doesn't matter.  Unicorns.

Good for:  Getting drunk with your kid sister.

Bell's White Winter Ale

Name:  Bell's White Winter Ale
Brewery:  Bell's Brewery
Style:  Belgian White
Location:  Kalamazoo, Michigan
Alcohol: 5%

Quotes:  "Tastes like my Dad's sweat"

Aroma:  5/10, Smells like a wheat beer, bro
Appearance:  3/5, More head than a truck stop bathroom.
Taste:  6/10, Tastes like a sweaty Belgian man coated in banana and citrus
Palate:  3/5, Favorably, the mouth-feel is nothing at all like the taste.  Light spice, nothing special.
Overall:  17/30

In Closing:  Another one from Bell's Brewery, this White Winter Ale is still nothing to write home about unless you've already downed a six-pack and are anxious to see how well you still write.  In that case, I say go for it. 

Good for:  Drinking while writing Christmas cards

Bell's Best Brown Ale

Name: Bell's Best Brown Ale
Brewery: Bell's Brewery
Style: Brown Ale
Location:  Kalamazoo, Michigan
Alcohol: 5.8%

Quotes:  "The 'best', you say?"  "My beer has hooters on it."  "Dude, drink this tree."

Aroma:  6/10, A little sweet, almost like caramel
Appearance: 4/5, looks mostly like beer
Taste: 7/10, Caramel, nuts, and tree bark.
Palate: 3/5, Feels like beer is in your mouth
Overall:  20/30

In closing:  It's pretty average for a brown ale but is fitting for autumn.  If this is the best brown ale Bell's can do, they should stick to their other recipes.  It's a little pricier than most beer at my local pick-up, so if your friends bring this over they think highly of your beer tastes but don't trust their own.  Get new friends.

Good for:  Not a bad beer to have around on a hunting trip with your new friends. 

Shock Top Belgian White

Name: Shock Top Belgian White
Brewery: Anheuser-Busch InBev
Style: Belgian White
Location:  St. Louis, Missouri
Alcohol: 5.2%

Quotes: "Meh."  "Aren't all Belgians white?"  "Did someone drop a lemon slice into my Budweiser?"

Aroma:  7/10, Smells like a wheat field
Appearance:  3/5, Golden like that King Tut thing
Taste: 5/10, Nothing special.  Hint of lemon but very wheaty. Aftertaste is subtle but strange.
Palate:  3/5, A bit fizzy, light body. Meh.
Overall: 18/30

In closing:  Tastes okay.  Not quite Blue Moon but worth a try if the rest of your beer got stolen or your Grandma won't let you borrow her LaSabre so you can go get something better.  If your friends bring this over, it means they like you but they don't really respect your beer tastes.

Good for:  Washing down this nasty shit

Third Shift Amber Lager

Name:  Third Shift Amber Lager
Brewery:  Coors Brewing Company (MillerCoors)
Style:  Amber Lager/Vienna
Location: Golden, Colorado
Alcohol:  5.3%

Quotes:  "Fuckin' A"  "Sweet like breast milk from a unicorn"  "I'll have another, please"

Aroma:  5/10, It doesn't have a smell, meaning it does not smell bad.
Appearance:  7/10, Gives good head (like your Mum!) and is amber gold, like Fez
Taste:  8/10, A little sweet.  Twinge of caramel, malt, and...toffee?
Palate:  3/5, Low carbonation.  Almost no after-taste.
Overall:  23/30

In Closing:  Delicious, flavorful, yet light.  You could drink a whole six-pack while running a daycare with no effect.   Nothing too special but on the better end of MillerCoors' arsenal.  Will make you the classiest mother fucker in the whole trailer park.

Good for:  A budget.  Consume with Vienna sausages and/or Ramen noodles for full appreciation.

Leinenkugel's Snowdrift Vanilla Porter

Name: Snowdrift Vanilla Porter
Brewery: Leinenkugel (Tenth & Blake Beer Co.)
Style: Porter
Location:  Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin
Alcohol:  6%

Quotes:  "Where the fuck is the vanilla?"  "I can really taste the dirt"  "Careful, there's probably coffee grounds in the bottom"

Aroma:  8/10, More coffee and chocolate than vanilla
Appearance:  5/5, Black
Taste:  2/10, see quotes
Palate:  4/5, Aftertaste doesn't linger for more than an hour.
Overall:  19/30

In closing:  I get the "snowdrift" part.  The snow is melted from the heaps collected in Wal-Mart parking lots after a winter storm.  The dirt and sediments that remain are ground and placed in with the coffee grounds after the brewing process.

Good for:  Removing rust from a Ford Tractor.

Devil's Backbone Eight Point IPA

Name:  Eight Point IPA
Brewery:  Devil's Backbone
Style:  India Pale Ale (IPA)
Location:  Roseland, Virginia
Alcohol: 5.9%

Quotes:  "There were dead animals in this cask."  "Old pine sap from a forest fire doused in kerosene and caught on fire again"

Aroma: 6/10, Grassy, Piney
Appearance:  4/5
Taste:  3/10, see quotes
Palate:  3/5, Fills the nostrils with fear and dull flavors of rotting fruit
Overall:  16/30

In closing:  As the box suggests, this beer is best when gently poured over a dead animal found in some tall grass somewhere.

Good for:  Making your in-laws sick